Friday, January 16, 2015

Middletown Predictions for 2015

 Predictions for the NEW YEAR!  Guess what? One already came true.  

If you have not guessed by now, there is a lot of truth mixed in with the satire. Don't believe something? Do some research and see what you come up with. I bet if you are a very liberal person who likes to judge others about their bad behaviors you will not like this column. "Hey, Jen would never do that?" or "Well, I know that Malloy has taken the state to Hades and beyond, but hey, he's a Democrat."  
1)      Dan Drew will fulfill the promise he made during his previous terms to lower taxes.  If you believe that, I'll put some lights on the Portland Bridge.  Too Soon?
2)      Al Sharpton will meet with the African American family of Shannon Blair, the Middletown High Student that was attacked by a member of the "S" family.   Nope, ain't going to happen- this is Middletown, where the "S" family has a huge liberal following no matter what the sons do.  (I.e Drunk driving, harass female teacher and assault minority students) Hey liberal Middletown teachers, if you did what JS did you would not have a job. Remember some  folks in town get special privileges.  Right, it's better to keep your mouth shut so you can advance up the list!
President and Sharpton, well I guess it beats hanging out in public with Professor William Ayers

3)      Councilman Jim Streeto will stop laughing at his own jokes and come to a realization that David Bauer is much smarter than him.  For God's sake Jimmy, when Bauer makes a good point, do the citizens a favor and let him finish his thoughts.
4)      There will be a GOP and Democratic primary for Mayor.  Even though Lisa Santangelo is partially banned from the building she may take a crack at it. Wow, she can be Bob's boss in more than one way!  Step right up! Hope and Dan to the left (others?) and Former Mayor and Former City Clerk to the right. Place your bets now!
5)      Marie Norewood will get an additional raise of $16,000 per year to appease all the elected Democrats. Remember it's your money.
6)      Earl Roberts will claim that he received more votes than Paul Doyle in Wethersfield during last November's Election. True, but the Wethersfield voters haven't met Earl yet.
7)      Jason Serra will become Dean of Students at Keigwin Middle School. (Wait, I think this   happened)  I guess he was rewarded for allegedly assaulting a student a few years back, where are the liberal complaints about that one.  Right, it's only cool to be liberal when it suits your personal needs.
Opps, wrong Jason. 
8)      John Hall will "spank" the Mayor over the mistake of hiring a position that doesn't exist. Meanwhile John will fly kites with David Messenger(GOOGLE his name) on the Portland Bridge as he puts up LED lights.
"I fight to get convicted wife killers out of jail, plus I was awarded a high paying city job that has no responsibilities"

 9)      Middletown will go to war with Portland.    

10)   Middletown Democrat officials will create 11 more unfunded positions at level six.
11)   It will be a big mystery as to who Michelle Ford really is. Did she funnel  money for the mayor at any time? Is she related to Gerald Ford?  Why were the Village People so set on her for the job? Will she help light the Portland Bridge with special lights from the Vatican?
12)   Mark Masselli and Jen Alexander will start a non-profit organization that supports those who are victims of a sexual assault. (Find the irony in this one)
"We both control non-profit organizations and we make about $700,000  a year plus expenses. Did we mention that our son was picked up originally for alleged sexual assault last year at Wesleyan last year so we keep moving him around" 
13)   Dan Drew will give more campaign money to charitable causes such as: The Tony Harp campaign, The Johh Larsen campaign, Senator Blumenthal's limo service and the Working Families Party.
14)   Jackie Williams will use Ray Allen's money to sue the city, again. She will then give the Mayor more money in the hopes that she can get rid of her former friend, the Pellot Guy on Atkins Street. (Translation: If Williams gets rid of the Pellot guy, she can utilize her real estate license and make some money off his property- it's all money folks.) GOOGLE this !
Jackie WIlliams
15)   Local activist and leftie  Stephen H. Devoto will capture a Yeti on Mt. Highby.  After this adventure, he will patent the acronym NIMBY as it applies to him 100%
The captured Devoto "Yeti" at The Olin Library

16)   Fred Carroll wins the Mayoral seat in November and creates more jobs.
17)   Dan Drew sues Dunkin Donuts of the use of the double D initials.
18)   Earl Roberts will run for all Republican positions without informing the: Middletown Republican Town Committee, The Middletown Press, The Bellear Boys,  Tom Landry, but he will inform his ego when at all possible.
19)   Over 100 soil scientists and environmental engineers will support the new environment planner coming into town.   That is a lot of environmental planners and engineers!  How many environmental planners does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: None, they are into solar panels.
20)   Town officials will install an automatic chair lift that is on a constant loop from the Elk's Club on Maynard Road to Gerald Daley's house up the street.  It's for the best folks!
21)   Dan Drew will ban sledding on all city hills in order to prevent child injuries and to protect the self esteem of those kids and adults who don't own sleds.
22)   The Middletown Senior Center will rename itself the Dan "I was against this idea" Drew Senior Center in order to promote good will.
23)   Mayor Drew will ban any Italian food that is not larger than his head.
24)   Middletown will be adding a toll booth underneath the Portland Bridge compliments of Joe Serra.
25)   Wesleyan will get a huge break on their local taxes.  They are forced to do this because alumni Michael Bay hasn't signed over any Transformers money yet.
"No money for Wesleyan!"
26)   Drew will sign off on a helicopter to bring him back and forth to his Wesleyan Hills residence.  
27)   The bigwigs at NBC will bring back the comedy show Night Court. This time Councilman James "I am funny" Streeto will star as Harry Stone.
28)   Wesleyan security will not be allowed to use any pronouns and color gender identifications with regard to race on their upcoming crime reports.  Uh, um a man just attacked me, but I am not allowed to tell you what color he is. Shit, did I use a pronoun?

29)   Michael Roth, The President of Wesleyan will be ousted as a distance relative of Van Halen leader singer David Lee Roth.  Actually David Lee Roth would probably make a better president.   PANNNNNNNNAMA!

30)   Wesleyan University will sue Wesleyan Hills over the use of name. Hey, they need the money! I bet Bill Cosby won't be issuing the commencement speech this year.


  1. LMFAO! That's all you came up with is 30!

  2. Well, we can always print a column called Middletown Predictions 2015, if anybody wants to submit. We are here and ready!

  3. # 18 is funny. What a wind bag. I was in McDonalds a few years ago and heard him holding court. What a clown. I give Mayor Drew credit for trying to stop the disability pension of Mr. Lavoie.

  4. Well, Earl is Earl! What can one say- LOL. He is an amazing man, a person that ONCE tried to put out a house fire with a garden hose. A person that once teased a fellow GOP candidate for losing an election during a year in which he as an incumbent lost as well. Yeeesh!


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