Monday, August 04, 2014

Metro Movies Presents: New Summer Movies Premiere This Week!

MIDDLETOWN-  The beginning of the film summer season began with a bang with such hits as The Amazing Spiderman 2, X-Men: Days of Future Past and Captain America: The Winter Soldier dominating the box office in the early months of the hot season.  Enter July and early August, with the exception of a lackluster Transformers sequel starring Quentin Phipps, the box office has been very dry until now.
      The Insider's spies around down have done many Google searches and found advance posters and film summaries for  upcoming films that plan to premiere at Metro Cinemas (next to the arcade) this August.  Enjoy and see you at the movies! If you are a Republican, keep in mind that Eric Kuhn claims we don't sit next to a certain type of folk.
1) Erasherhead- Starring Gerald Daley as Gerald Daley in a surreal film by master filmmaker David Lynch.  In the director's newest entry, the man that that brought the world Dune, Twin Peaks and other creepy shit follows the the topsy turvy world of a professional politician who will stop at nothing at keeping his hair clean and cow towing to the king of Middletown, Tom Serra during Common Council meetings. Lynch's cameras are able to get inside this complicated man, who enjoys a liquid lunch or two at The Elks and has to keep his territory alive during the council meetings.  Is he really at The Elks club, is it an illusion, why is there a midget riding a camel in a red suit sitting next to Gerry? This is avant guard cinema at its best and audiences have to figure out why the film is called Eraserhead? Hint: We know, trust us we know what happened last month at__________!
2) The Shining 2: Get off of my Porch-  Although there have been two adaptations of  Stephen King's  The Shining over the years, it is this re-telling that has audiences wondering what the hell is going on.  In the original novel, the protagonist Jack Torrence is an alcoholic writer who brings his family to the haunted Overlook Hotel to write his dream novels, soon strange things begin to happen.  Fast forward to 2014, where Media Solutions Inc has decided to change the story and the locale to make it more relevant to Middletown politics.  In the update, the protagonist is now named Ed, who is a very liberal person when it comes to everyone around him, but if he is questioned by those on the outside, the very thing he complained and griped about when he was not an elected official, he becomes evil and uses f-words in his Facebook posts.  It's all about the Benjamins isn't ED4ED?
3)Talento En Todos OS Tamanhos-  You have to love our boy Lesser, right? Here is a guy who is whiter than Elmer's Glue and is a member of the Connecticut House Latino Caucus because the guy claims his mom's bloodline was from Argentina. Yet, the Dem masses are embracing their boy due to his (was he even born in the USA? We're kidding!) heritage.  Film Synopsis: Lesser stars with CGI chipmunks in a story that chronicles how the three illegals jump the border and immediately get driver's licenses, voting privileges and Ebay cards.  Soon the three are adopted by the kind and interesting Drew family, where the three chipmunks are forced to work in the mayor's kitchen and cook all day for the 1st family of Middletown.  Look out for cameos by Joe Somalis as the Coyote and Angel Fernandez who the Drew's claim is fake latino.  (Rated R: For Mild Violence and references to interspecies smuggling)  Note: A sequel is already in the works where the Lesser character claims he invented the lightbulb. 

4) The Shannon Blair Witch Project- Starring (You figure it out) with proceeds going to the Sal Caracoglia I told you so Fund!  In this 'fictional' stunning documentary which will premiere at the Cannes Film Festival in a few months, the authors take us on a journey of those that get away with things and those that don't.  Watch as a health teacher pushes a student to the ground and gets away with it because he is related to a former mayor and current Democratic Majority Leader.  Interviews with Michael Frechette, Betsy Palmer, the floor that Blair landed on, and $64,000 other good reasons to make it all go away. (Rated S - We are scared and we shouldn't writing this, trust us we are in Texas now.)
5) Malificant- Aging queen of the hill sucks the life out of the innocent and beautiful blonde  Councilwoman Mary Bartolotta.  Is she banned from the building, what's up with the Registrar's Office?  Who knows? Does anybody know? Hey Drew give it up, Lisa isn't going anywhere nor are her texts! (Rated GOOTB- "Get out of the building")
6) Face/Off -  In this stunning sequel to the July common council meeting former Mayor and current Mayor are forced to switch bodies.  Drew is Serra and Serra is Drew in a fight to the finish, with the amazing line of "I invented you!" said many times throughout the film.  Drew shows much strength as he cuts the strings that bind him during a broadcast of the common council and stands up against his former mentor. "It's on, bitch!"  (Rated R: For Nudity and lots of close ups of each character looking at themselves in a large mirror)
7) Illegal Alien- It's all over the news and guess what? Malloy says they are not coming here! It's an election year, he will say anything so don't vote for him. Neil Diamond once sang, "They're coming to America, they're  coming to America....TODAY," as usual Mr. Diamond was right, but the 'they' he is referring to came here legally. In this amazing and insightful drama, each liberal family across this great land of ours, adopts 1 or 2 illegals from Mexico and changes their lives forever that is until the sequel.  It is during part II, where the liberals realize they are not getting a stipend or a tax break for these kids, so they begin to build their own wall around Village District neighborhoods. Nimby!
8) No Commentary 4 Old Men-  In this saga of a powerful family, the big man in the State House has a lot to prove during his twilight years.  His councilman kid brother is on loose with his strange attempts to get his kin out of trouble in Glastenbury, but Joe has some loose ends of his own.  He's made some strange promises over the years, as the Chairman on the State's Aging Committee he has told his constituents that he can stop them from aging, and guess what? They believe him! He also brags about  the terrible roads in the state and is still in awe as to why his nephew did not get the athletic director's job. Can you say power vacuum?
9) The Deer Hunter- In this titillating sequel to Michael Cimeno's 1976 Vietnam epic, Planning and Zoning commissioner plays a rich guy pretending to be poor.  After his fellow activist, ED4ED drinks himself to death at the Remington Rand brewery, fellow villager Dic (no K) Wheeler juggles some shit and races his big green ass bus that runs on hummus and human tears to the rescue of a distraught and deranged Devoto who will not stop calling Dan Russo due to his interest in the planning and zoning chairmanship.  Watch the exciting action and Stephen will not stop at anything to get his way, there is an amazing montage where Devoto tears into a live deer with his teeth but in a tragic twist the deer is Phil Pessina, luckily for Devoto, Joyce Rositter forgot what she saw.  Music by Joe Gallo and Eric "Republicans Hate Black People" Kuhn.   Easter eggs: See if you can count how many Mac products Devoto has on his possessions throughout the film. (Note: All guns in this production were made out of venison which in turn is made of tofu!)

10) Misery-  In this horrific story of gluttony and greed, the councilwoman who demanded a tax break due to the haunting of her house is back and this time, she is god-damn pissed off.  All around town, she is dropping the immortal phrase of, "When I am mayor," or "I am running for mayor, will you support me?"  Special appearances by all of her relatives with whom she has gotten legal and illegal city employment over the years.   Summary: In classic horror fashion, Hope's character of 'the ghost', loses it when she discovers that her man Carl Chisem is having an affair with Sandra Faraci. Hope kidnaps the man and demands that he compose a pulp novel about her love for him-this is one good movie!  Look for a supporting role by Jimmy Streeto as the clumsy sheriff who ignores the criminal activity in the house because it's better for his career. 


  1. The Shining 2 is my favorite without a doubt. Just gives me the creeps.

  2. Ed4ed sure got back at dems by leading the charge against baby serra in AD appointment. Will he be showing up on the serra porch next?

  3. This is so funny!

  4. Sad is Hope really did get a tax break for a haunted house! Hard yo separate fact from fiction in Mental town!


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