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Friday, June 28, 2013

Live Long and Rumblings


Rumblings
Sent in by the beautiful readers of The Middletown Insider. Thanks to all- especially The Colonel for his resplendent insights about this pulchritudinous & effulgent town!  Read it three times to get all the MEANINGS!!
1)    According to officials at Middletown’s Godfrey Library, there is a boatload of evidence that State Representative Matthew Lesser (stop posting on Facebook every two seconds, we get it, you took a dump yesterday) and Emergency Operations Management Deputy Director Angel Fernandez are indeed related by blood.  This corroborates Lessor’s claim that he is indeed Latino/Hispanic, and also clarifies that his connection to the nation of Argentina is Latino and not Aryan.  Heil Malloy!
Matt's elation  the moment he found out
he is related to Angel. 
2)    Open message to John C. Hall (chairman of the Jonah Center for Earth Air & Money), and the city’s energy czar: (WTF? Energy Czar- please!).   Although we appreciate your efforts  to bring youth from less privileged families to participate in Jonah Center’s Annual River Paddle event, don’t you think your energies would be better placed in getting  killer David Messenger off the streets?  The Middletown Insider will donate a cool $1,000 to your cause next year if you have the guts to bring  wife killer David Messenger to your event.  Please re-evaluate your decision on this one, the liberals may you let you off the hook because they don’t have to deal with the situation but this publication will not.  Incidentally, what the hell is an energy czar anyhow?
Hall advocated Messenger's release from CVH to "worship."
3)    Rumor has it that Mayor Daniel Drew called a  city worker to his office to offer a verbal spanking  about his reputed online comments made on his personal time as a private citizen.  Dan have you ever heard of the 1st Amendment? Right, it’s over in China with your report.
  
4)    It’s official: former councilman and beekeeper Earl V. Roberts is seeking the Republican nomination for Mayor. The problem, the GOP has nobody to run and want to keep it that way. Perhaps they can run John C. Hall or David Messenger- what a team that would be. 
5)    After the new re-organization, something that was supposed to decrease the size of government breaking news: many positions open, but there is a huge shortage of Serracrats to fill those spots. Go figure!! 

6)    Paging Danny Drew, paging Drew, Danny:  Last week the state had an emergency management drill for disaster training in M-town, and guess who was not involved in the festivities? (Cause you know damn well if he was, his face would be all over the Mess the way he likes it) Yep, his name rhymes with Lan Lew or Stan Screw. Dan Drew was not present for any of this crucial drill, but no worries folkies, Drew’s chief of staff Joseph “WTF” Samolis made hourly broadcasts to inform citizens about the percentage of streets cleared from snow. 
  The National Guard stopped by Middletown and was turned away by the king of Middletown because "he can handle it on his own."  (Okay we mixed two events on this one, but read between the lines people.) 

7)    What prominent member of the Democratic Town Committee is a big racist! Nuff said!

8)    Which is greater: how many paychecks  Middletown gives to city music man Marco Gaylord or the amount of licks it takes to get the bottom of a Tootsie Roll.  How many jobs can this one many do? He’s got w-2 fever!

9)    The Department of Transportation to have a meeting (breakfast) to discuss the fate of the Route 17 to Route 9 on-ramp (by Harbor Park) aka the deadliest exit in Connecticut or Rear Ender Central.  You know it’s funny; Democrat Representative Joseph Serra, head of the Committee on Highways and Transportation,  has been in office for a ¼ of a century and this issue if finally being discussed.  Hey voters, you keep voting him in- good for you

10) According to www.newsjunkie.com: Connecticut State Representative Matthew Lesser, new member of the Latino group Menuedo & Hispanic Latino Caucus, is attempting to propose a bill that would allow all illegal aliens in the state to have a card that ENTITLES them to free car insurance. The program is called Lessorcare and he has already printed out cards at he Wesleyan University computer lab in hopes that his bill becomes a law.  Speaking of Wesleyan University, why is Michael Roth and the gang so proud of a  DROP-OUT who complains about rising interest rates on student loans? Does he care about the janitors and cafeteria workers who went on strike? Come Mathew let’s step up to the plate and help the real workers!
11)   Rosa DeLauro has been cast as Spock’s mother in J.J. Abrahams next Star Trek film entitled Star Trek 3: You Dumb Voters keep putting me in and I take Commie Money.

12)  This week Dan Drew took time out from his busy day to flip flapjacks with CT Senator Christopher Murphy and to chat up Rosa DeLauro about rising student loan rates. (Dano attended both "non campaign/political" events on City time ) Drew vowed to get on a plane if he has to solve the tuition hike problem.
photo credit: Rep. Matt Lesser's twitter account.
13)  Thrice sold Remington Rand building to be leased to medical pot factory (HIGHER THAN A FRIGGIN, KITE) owners Thomas Chong and Cheech Marion who plan to film their next cannabis filled opus entitled: “Cheech and Chong Smoke Remington Rand”- the film will also star David Messenger, Mark Masselli and Hope Kasper. Note: Kasper has demanded that Chong hire son-in-law Joshua Burger to work on the set with the stipulations that he gets teacher benefits.
14) Netflix has announced that they will be filming a new dramaedy series entitled “The Mayor and his Mom” which will be available for streaming on June 30, 2013, unlike the the Common Council meetings which the City IT Department is STILL figuring out how to do!  The series revolves around an ex-mayor and his mom and the amazing adventures they endure and the conversations they have over pizza and donuts.

15) SCOOP: Most people in Connecticut are still waiting for the axe to fall on the CHC (Community Health Center) due to the Chris Donovan scandal.  Guess who has the blue form with all the evidence?  Shhhh, we’ll never tell

16)  PRISM, which is a program that the NSA uses to track internet usage, email, phones calls and other important private information of John Q. Public says it nearly impossible for a private citizen to track IP addresses. Translation ED4ED screwed up royally!

17)  What city employee looked like the late great Bob Crane from Hogan’s Heroes?

18) Middletown Public schools to now give all students free breakfast, lunch, diner, midnight snack, and movie passes.  North End students to get special midnight munchies and free lifetime usage of a bong. (Tie it in with the Remington Rand joke #13)

19) CHC guru and Buddhist (He went to the see the Dali Lama on _______’s dime) Mark Masselli, under the tutelage of Colorado Governor John HickendooperpooopperscooperchoperChipsahoyjurjuneilovemyself will be recording a new version of Don McLean’s American Pie

20)  @mattlesser : #Councilman Phil Pessina claims Dan Drew as new BFF # Matt Lesser jealous vows to deny Pessina free auto insurance. #uncool

21) Thelma and Louise: Part II- The GOP women are at odds after voting against one another after last council meeting..  Rumor has it that TNT will be airing their half nude Jell-O Wrestling Match to settle the score.  At least they had a budget!
22)  Castaway II: Starring Hope Kasper, Ronald Klatenberger, Todd Berch, and Ted “I used city money to send my son to Cape Cod” Razcka.

23)  Who will be the next Middletown city clerk, a former councilwoman or an inner circle relative?

24) A citizen punches a Wesleyan professor in the face over a Main Street parking space and it is not just assault but a "hate crime," a  high naked student walks into a home and exposes himself to a child and it is a "learning experience." Wait - racially driven hate crime? Didn't Wes ban the use of racial descriptions in APB's?

24.5) Mess quotes Sen. Chris Murphy: “It shouldn't take seven years to be a lawyer, eight to be a doctor.” Right on, it isn't like we want only the best and the brightest messing with people's lives. 

25)   那裡性交是中國報告, jive驢子雞

26) Did you ever wonder why Charlie ignored his mother in Ronald Dahl’s book, “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” when he won the golden ticket? I mean, think about it, Grandpa Joe was in bed for 10 years and did nothing (Democrat) while the working mom (Republican) worked her ass off but received nothing from the Wonka regime ( or Charlie for that matter). The lesson: those that hustle and work are ignored and the lazy get ahead get more Welf…Chocolate.

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